Tag: Frustration

The Great Fallacy of Love

Posted on by Corbin Humble

For those who may not know, a fallacy is mistaken belief, often times based on some principle or assumption that you did not know was actually wrong. It is like when you build a house only to realize the foundation is no good and the whole thing ends up crumbling down.

Recently, I have come to believe that there is a faulty assumption about love that almost everyone seems to build their life around, but in reality it causes an awful lot of struggle and anxiety because people don’t understand where they went wrong.

I want you to consider the true motives behind most human endeavors. I would say that most of the things we do, we do in order to be “good enough” or “desirable.” Think about people pleasing, competition, perfectionism, worry, cultivating beauty, pursuing fame, seeking popularity, protecting our pride, fighting for respect, trying to be unique, trying to fit in, being judgmental, being angry at being judged and I could go on and on…

One way or another we are constantly seeking to boost or soothe our ego. And I believe on main reason for this is that we want to feel worthy of being loved. 

“If I make them happy then they will love me.”

“If I can be the best, then they will love me.”

“If I have the most likes, then I will feel good about myself.”

“Why don’t they love me?”

Let me put it this way, we are constantly striving to figure out the puzzle of how to make people love us. And we often get frustrated when they don’t. Why do you think it bothers people so much to be judged or disrespected?

But here is the faulty foundation. Let me explain it with one of the most famous Bible verses. Even if you don’t believe in God, I hope you’ll realize the point is still valid.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 NIV

God loved us while we were sinners. He loved us while we were unworthy. Real love is not a reactive feeling. Love is an act of will on the part of the giver, not based on the worth of the recipient.

This is pretty key, so I’m going reiterate my point. If love is given at the whim of the giver, you cannot make them do it.

One more time,

YOU CAN NOT MAKE PEOPLE LOVE YOU.

People can love others who do not deserve it.

People may not love others when they do deserve it.

If someone does not love you, that was a choice they made.

 

You can influence people. You can make them happy. You may be able to make them like you.

But love is an unconditional choice to care about another person’s well being, whether they deserve it or not.

 

Let me illustrate it with a very honest insight into one of my private moments. When my daughter was born and they put her in my arms, my immediate reaction was not exactly warm and fuzzy. My first thought was, “Who is this stranger? I have never seen her before and I am supposed to love her? I don’t know anything about her character or who she will become.”

But then I spoke to her, “I am your daddy. I will always love you and protect you no matter what.” And then the warm fuzzy feelings and the tears came.

I chose to love her. It had nothing to do with what she had done, and it will always be my choice no matter what she does.

 

So, this truth is both wonderfully freeing, and somewhat terrifying at the same time.

On one hand, you can stop striving so hard for other people’s approval. I mean, really…they are only humans. Why is their validation of you so crucial? If you only knew what skewed their perspectives, you wouldn’t worry so much. It is like looking into fun house mirrors trying to figure out what you truly look like.

But on the other hand, you have to accept that you are not in control of whether someone loves you, or continues to love you, and that truth is so scary that perhaps it explains why so many people are blind to this fact.

 

If you can accept it, the truth will set you free. Forgive the cliche, but it really fits.

And it not only frees you from such excessive striving, but it is also the key to love others better. If you do not have to worry about whether people deserve your love and respect, you can just choose to give it, making this world and, most definitely, your own life that much brighter.

 

You can’t make people love you. I encourage you to accept it and start living. Do not be afraid.

Frustration and Control

Posted on by Corbin Humble

Frustration is an all too familiar feeling. We all know it well. We know what situations cause it, we understand why others are frustrated and we recognize the signs of frustration in ourselves and others.

However, when asked, many people struggle to define frustration. And I think defining frustration is a big part of resolving frustration. Here is my definition:

Frustration is when we cannot accomplish our goal, because of something beyond our control.

And what do people do when frustrated? They usually just try harder. And that is not necessarily a bad character trait. Sometimes things feel outside of our control, when really we just need to keep working at it, be patient or find other solutions. However, when there really are things outside of our control, fighting harder just increases the frustration and problems. The most common thing outside your control is people. If people want to be stubborn, which they often are, there is not much you can do.

Actually, that is not exactly true. There is a lot you can do to try to control people. The problem is that most of those things do more damage in the long run. If someone is calling you names and you can’t say anything to get them to stop, you could smash their head in with a brick. That would stop the insults, but I’m pretty sure there a lot of other awful consequences headed your way. Violence, threats, insults, nagging, bribery, screaming, guilt trips, abuse and emotional manipulation are just a few of the ways people try to control each other, and they are also the reasons for many of the problems in this world.

When you try to control things you shouldn’t, you usually make things worse. It would seem like the only alternative is to give up completely and stop caring, which is usually an equally unacceptable option.

But consider the definition of frustration again:

Frustration is when we cannot accomplish our GOAL, because of something beyond our CONTROL.

Instead of trying harder and harder to control things, you could instead reevaluate your goal. If your goal is reliant on external factors, that is probably your first mistake. If you change your goal to focus on your part of a situation, then there is nothing to be frustrated about beyond your own control. For instance:

  • Instead of, “I can’t get them to listen to me,” your goal simply needs to be “I want to express myself clearly and lovingly, and then the decision is up to them.”
  • Unhealthy relationships ask, “How do I keep them happy (so they do not leave me)?” while a healthier relationship would think “What is the most loving thing to do for them, even if they may not like it?”
  • You can fret indefinitely about, “How do I get people to stop hurting me?” or you can start solving the problem by asking, “How do I stop letting people hurt me?”

There is a reason the Serenity Prayer is so immensely popular. It really does grant very real peace in life when you learn what you can or can’t control (or perhaps more accurately, should or shouldn’t control).

 

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.”

– Reinhold Niebuhr

 

All of this leads to one of the great secrets of content and peaceful people. There is a mindset shift where you can stop worrying about how to control all the circumstances to get the outcomes you want, and instead be satisfied with the decisions you make. Of course, there is a lot more to say on the subject of decisions and morality. But doesn’t it seem like the common dilemma, “How do I get the results I want?” is a much more complicated and stressful endeavor than simply asking, “What is the right thing to do?”

Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if you weren’t responsible for what everyone else is doing and only had to worry about what you need to be doing? 

Well, are you responsible for the things you can’t control?

If you aren’t responsible for what you can’t control, then do you really HAVE to worry about it?

Of course, learning to stop worrying is a whole other challenge in itself. But first you have to know that you are free to stop.