Being Alone to Be Healthy

Posted on July 20, 2017 by Corbin Humble

I was recently given the opportunity to write an article for Arise Ministries, an organization that seeks to empower single moms. They suggested I address the following question:

How long should single divorced moms wait and get healthy before dating?

Firstly, I want to say that just asking those kind of questions is a good sign.

As far as the answer, I’m not sure I really have anything new to say. But that is perfectly ok, because I have learned that often we seek some new, life changing wisdom, when in reality we just need to do what we already know.

And chances are you have already heard this many times before:

You need to be ok alone before you can be healthy in a relationship.

So, I’m not telling you anything new, I just want to reiterate why everyone keeps saying this thing that you may so easily hear and ignore.

I believe most people have a God given desire to be in relationships. Your yearning to find someone to do life with is perfectly healthy. There are lots of benefits to being with someone and you probably think about how your kids would benefit. However, a desire can be good and healthy, but given the wrong priority it just doesn’t work. Most houses need roofs, but that doesn’t mean you build that first.

So, let’s explore why being ok alone is a necessary foundation.

If you are not ok being alone, then essentially you fear being alone. You will fear whether you can make ends meet. You will fear the pain of loneliness and the empty times where you have to face all the things you do not want to think about. You will fear the uncertainty. You will fear finding out who you really are. And so on and so forth.

Given more time, I could explain in greater detail, but just trust me on these two principles about fear:

Fear is the opposite of love.

When you act in fear, you often cause what you fear to happen.

If you are not ok being alone, then when you are with someone, fear they will leave you will prevent you from expressing that you matter. It will keep you from setting boundaries, being assertive and requiring that the relationship be healthy. Most people will treat you how you allow them to treat you.

Furthermore, even if the relationship is good and healthy, if you do not know that being alone is an option, then will you ever really know if you are in the relationship because you want to be?

Oddly enough, it was a teenage boy who said something to me once that I feel exemplifies how everyone should treat the dating process:

“I will do everything that I am ok with to keep the relationship.”

While this may seem simple and straightforward enough, it is fear that breaks the rule and causes you to do things you are not ok with. And that is how relationships are allowed to become unhealthy.

So, to answer the original question, everyone is different. I don’t believe in any set time. And even the concept of waiting until you are ok being alone is pretty gray. As you pursue that place of personal well being you will fall down, make mistakes and uncover whole new realizations about your issues and vulnerabilities. And, even when you still have work to do, exploring the dating world is ok because the bumps and bruises that come with it will just give you more experiences and insights on where you are in the process.

But first, you have to be alone until you are not afraid of it anymore. And only you can be the judge of that.

A Tour of Heaven and Hell

Posted on July 5, 2017 by Corbin Humble

One of my favorite stories has an uncertain origin, so I don’t know who to attribute it to or even where I heard it. It has many variations from different cultures, but here is how I heard it:

Once upon a time, there was a man who was given the opportunity to see what Heaven and Hell looked like before he died.

First, he was taken to Hell. He expected to see fire and brimstone, along with people being tortured with pitchforks. He was surprised by what he saw.

He was taken to a giant wooden set of double doors and they opened up into an enormous banquet hall. The hall stretched beyond sight and everyone in Hell was there. All throughout the banquet hall were a series of long rectangular banquet tables and everyone was seated on either of the two long sides at a table.

All along the tables were giant bowls of soup. Now, I’m not much of a soup fan, but when you smelled this soup you were immediately overwhelmed by the sensation that if you could just have some of that soup you would be happy for eternity.

However, everyone in Hell was lashed to the benches so that they could not get up or reach the soup bowls, which could not be moved. The only way to reach the soup was with the 3 foot long wooden spoons that were lashed to everyone’s arm such that they could not be removed. Consequently, everyone in Hell was desperately trying to get a spoonful of soup, but because they could not get up, undo the spoon or bend their arms in a successful manner, no one could do it.

Throughout the hall, everyone was in agony as they strained their arms and necks and groaned in desperate pain to get the thing they so desired but was just barely out of reach.

The man quickly realized that this was a psychological torture and he could not bear to watch the faces contorted in agony or hear their groans. He asked to be taken away.

And so he was. He was promptly taken to Heaven where he expected to see clouds, streets of gold and people playing harps. But yet again, he was surprised at what he saw.

It was the exact same scenario. Giant wooden double doors opened up to a banquet hall as far as the eye could see. It had the same tables and the same soup that would bring eternal happiness. And yet again, the people were all lashed to the benches and had 3 foot long wooden spoons strapped to their arms.

The circumstances were exactly the same in Heaven as they were in Hell. So what was different?

…

In Heaven, each person reached their spoon out, got a spoonful and fed the person across from them. And in return, that person fed them back.

I love telling this story, especially when people are surprised at the ending or don’t try to find loopholes in the premise. Often people will say, couldn’t the people in Hell have done the same thing?

Well, of course it is just a fable, but I would imagine if it were true that human nature easily explains the situation. I figure that in Hell, maybe people did try that idea. But then someone spills a spoonful and burns someone, or tries to take two turns, or doesn’t give a fair amount or that they just insist that the other person trusts first before they return the favor. Bitterness, selfishness and distrust would probably be long forgotten reasons why sharing is not even an option after a while. And really, that explanation makes the story all the more relevant.

And I have found the originally intended moral equally accurate. Different people have different circumstances, but trust and taking care of each other is how we make Heaven on earth. On the flip side, people who are always looking out for number one usually create their own personal Hell.

Many people will quickly jump to saying they try to be selfless but others take advantage of them. On one hand it is true that this does not really work if others do not cooperate, so surrounding yourself with the right people is important, and a long lesson in itself. But also, getting angry when others do not return the favor is contractual thinking. That kind of thinking usually leads to resentment and revenge, as opposed to forgiveness and restoration, which are yet again good explanations of how one place becomes Hell and the other becomes Heaven.