Category: Counseling

A Teenager’s Burden

Posted on by Corbin Humble

I saw a meme on Facebook not long ago mocking teenagers for complaining about how hard their life is when they do not realize how hard adults work and how much adults have to put up with. This is not an uncommon sentiment, and honestly, I’ve thought something similar on occasion.

But a fairly insightful teenager recently made a very good point. It is easy for adults to look at what what a teenager has to do and mock them because adults have so much more responsibility. But the difficulty of a situation is not simply how heavy the burden is, but how heavy the burden is based on the strength that you have.

Would it make any sense for an adult to mock a toddler for struggling to carry 50 lb weight? Of course not. We know the adult is stronger and can carry more weight. That 50 lb burden weighs the same for both, but it may be a fourth of the body weight of the adult and double the body weight of the toddler. The challenge is relative to the strength.

Therefore, the insightful teen pointed out, while teenagers may struggle with the responsibilities of school and peer drama and chores, which may be easier than adult responsibilities, have you considered that they do not have all the life experiences, wisdom and skills that the adults possess which make those tasks seem easy? It is common knowledge that teen brains and bodies are developing rapidly at that age, while their emotions are running rampant and difficult to control. There are so many fundamental questions about life that they are still trying to figure out, and this means that they do not have a stable foundation to make sense of the world. Furthermore, did the previous generation have to worry about 24/7 cyber bullying or the threat of school shootings and terrorists?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am by no means trying to make excuses for teenagers to justify not doing things. Doing hard things is crucial to their development and ability to gain those skills to rise to the challenges of adulthood. But, as I have said before, we can seek to understand people, without excusing bad behavior. Looking only at their burden and talking about how it is easy it is compared to yours only serves to puff yourself up and tear them down. But recognizing the true challenge of being a teenager will improve the ability to connect, empathize and encourage them to do those hard things. 

Your Rightness Does Not Justify Your Rudeness

Posted on by Corbin Humble

This week I’m going to take a back seat and point you to someone else that I think is worth hearing. Her name is Megan Phelps-Roper, and not only does she have a fascinating story of being brought up in the Westboro Baptist Church, but she has some invaluable insights in how we should talk to one another if we really care about helping each other.

In case you don’t know, the Westboro Baptist Church is a small family church of about 40 people or so that is not officially affiliated with the Baptist Convention. They have become famous for hate speech and protesting funerals. I’m most amazed that the only time I have ever seen a comment section on the internet where everyone agreed was when people were talking about how awful the Westboro Baptist Church is.

So, hearing about the experience of being raised in that environment is intriguing. But, I am linking to this video, not out of curiosity, but because this woman has some invaluable insights on how people managed to overcome a seemingly impenetrable wall of denial and opposition to get through to her. These are tools we should all learn.

While her speaking style may be a little stilted, I highly encourage you to listen to everything she has to say. One of the lessons that has most stuck with me is:

“I thought my rightness justified my rudeness”

Just imagine how much the internet, our discussions and our relationships would improve if everyone believed that our rightness does not justify our rudeness.

Here’s the link to the full video.

Love Does Not Mean You Always Make People Happy

Posted on by Corbin Humble

I love working with people who are introverted, people pleasers or very conscientious, because a lot of their work is the same work I had to do for myself. Also, it is much easier to teach a selfless person how to love better, than it is to get a selfish person to care about others.

One of the big lessons I had to learn as I became an adult and that I see many people struggle with, is to realize that:

Loving people does not always mean making them happy.

I think the impulsive need to try to make people happy comes from childhood. As a child, you have very simple, black and white thinking. If you upset someone, you are told you did something wrong and you need to go fix it. If you make someone happy, you are told you are a good little boy or girl. Perhaps this is even more ingrained in homes where an upset adult may become abusive, so the best way to protect yourself is do whatever you can to make them happy.

Either way, it results in a powerful emotional impulse to make everyone happy so that you feel safe, loved and good about yourself. Those are some of our most crucial needs in life.

But as you get older, more and more situations arise that require increasingly complicated value judgments.

If your friend is stumbling around drunk and asks you for their car keys, do you give them the keys to make them happy and protect your friendship, or do you risk upsetting them and possibly losing the friendship to keep them safe?

I use that example because most everyone sees the clear loving choice is to keep the keys even if they get mad. But what about when the stakes are a bit more grey?

Do you tell your boyfriend that you are not comfortable with his actions and risk having him reject you?

If you feel really guilty for something that has happened to your child, do you let them get away with bad behavior?

If your girlfriend had a horrible childhood and is deeply depressed, do you stay in a relationship you do not want in order to love and protect them?

Some of those questions are more difficult than others, but it is really hard to figure out the ethical choice, or even the most healthy thing for the other person, if you measure the rightness of your actions based solely on whether people like them or not. It takes more a mature morality to discern that love is focused on the the well-being of another person, which is not always the same as their happiness.

Someone once told me that the opposite of love is not hate, but rather the opposite of love is fear. I’ll probably go more into detail on this another day, but this knowledge helps greatly in decision making. When you are struggling to figure out the right thing to do for someone you care about, ask yourself:

Am I doing this out of love, or out of fear?

When I realized that most of my dilemmas were an internal struggle where I worried about upsetting people or how they might think of me or that they might leave me, I realized that most of those concerns were based on fear, and fear is the opposite of love. When I removed fear from the equation, usually the right, loving choice became fairly obvious.

So, if you want to be the strong, confident, loving person you want to be, you need to remember, “Loving people does not always mean making them happy,” and ask yourself, “Am I doing this out of love, or out of fear?

Why is it so hard to be happy?

Posted on by Corbin Humble

One of my most memorable counseling moments occurred this year. I write this blog with permission of the person I was seeing.

A gentleman who had spent a year making incredible personal progress was reflecting on how far he had come and how much he had learned, when he made a comment that I felt was profoundly raw and I think common for all of us if we are honest.

He said,

“Sometimes I ask myself why I have to deal with depression all the time. I start to wonder, why do I have to work so hard to be happy…”

And as he said that, it reverberated with my own tendency to groan at how adulthood and life in general always requires so much effort. Even if it isn’t a struggle with full blown depression or bipolar issues, don’t we all wish that we could just do enough so that we could finally be done? Taking out the trash, self grooming, yard work and paying bills are tasks that may be completed for a time, but always come back. There seems to be no way to avoid doing the work it takes to have the life we want.

But, as he continued without me saying anything, I realized he wasn’t complaining.

“…but then I stop myself and think, I’m burying the lead here. If I know the secret to happiness, that is pretty epic. That’s what everyone is looking for. So what if it takes some work.”

And that my friends, is the simplicity and the power of a new perspective.

13 Reasons Why – I Killed Hannah Baker

Posted on by Corbin Humble

This is my spoiler filled blog about the Netflix show 13 Reasons Why. If you want my review without spoilers to decide if you should watch, then click here.

 

Ok, at this point I am assuming you have seen the show. This blog post is part of my process to unload the burden it left on me. Perhaps you have a similar feeling.

First off, let me say something about this post. I have decided that I may edit it for grammar or spelling, but I will not go back through and edit it for content. This is a flow of thought exercise in being vulnerable and real. So forgive me if it is a bit of a mess.

We’re all a bit of a mess. That is part of the point of the show. And how do we go on with that knowledge? As the show points out, one of the things that keeps us separated is that we are always curating our identity. Anytime I write a blog already scares me because I am putting myself out there to be critiqued by everyone, but at least I usually have some security that I can reread, revise and edit to make me look more intelligent or avoid saying stupid things.

Not today.

Oh, by the way. I killed Hannah Baker.

Ok, so that was a bit corny. I gave in to the urge to try to come up with a clever, click bait title. I’ll try to keep that to a minimum. No clever organization of this post into 13 Reasons Why we should be better to each other.

But seriously, I’m a counselor and I totally identified with #13 Mr. Porter. When he was talking to Hannah in episode 13 I just so desperately wanted him to shut up. I knew if he would just listen and be present she might be able to connect and heal.

And yet, what I am doing here is trying to model honesty and vulnerability, and to do that, I have to admit that when I listened to Mr. Porter talk, even though I knew he was missing the mark, I had the gut wrenching concern that I could make that same mistake so easily. Perhaps I have. I have been counseling for over a decade and have seen many suicidal teens, but to my knowledge none have committed suicide. To my knowledge. And that could just be luck. Ugh.

I had a professor in my Master’s Program that told me about the Imposter Syndrome. The idea that even professionals, doctors, professors, most adults secretly feel that they don’t deserve to be where they are. That if anyone really knew how out of our element we are, we would get fired, run out of town or worse. And the idea is that this inadequacy and secret shame is extremely common, if not universal.

When I watch Mr. Porter in episode 13, I figure everyone else sees him and thinks how terribly unfit and poorly trained he is, but I see him and think that could be me. I mean, the questions seemed reasonable. He had good intent. He wanted to help, but was focused on the problem and not the person. I’m sure I have done that before. It’s a pretty common fear.

There are so many, many things I could talk about at length regarding this great show, but in order not to bore you, I just wanted to try to stay focused on the communication barriers in the show. How many times did you just want to scream that they should just say something. Just say how you are feeling! Just say what you are dealing with! Ask for help!

But this wasn’t some annoying sitcom device to perpetuate tension. This was an in depth analysis of the things that keep us quiet. Netflix included a 30 minute follow up that I highly recommend. In it, they remind us that the teens aren’t just being difficult; they seriously lack the skills to express themselves. I don’t mean to offend any teens here with this statement, but it is simply a fact to accept. There is no shame in accepting that you are where you are in the process of learning those skills. 

Listen to adults talk about High School. They usually explain how they “survived” it. But when we think back on it, we think about it with the benefit of all the skills we gained and so easily forget that you are just now learning them. We also often forget that things really are so much different now.

Ok, jumping around, but upholding my promise not to edit, how do we help teach those expression skills? Well, that is what I am doing now. I’m modelling by being vulnerable and present now. I’m muddling through. I intentionally avoided reading any other reviews or commentaries on this show. I did not go do research on all the signs of depression, grounding techniques or the expert opinions on suicide. All those things could make me look more like I know what I am doing. But they also come across as clinical and detached. Don’t they?

That’s not to say they aren’t important. That’s not to say that other people do not have better things to say than me. But I’m here. I’m being me. I’m muddling through. That’s all we can do.

That is all we can do.

And it is enough.

Perhaps you don’t even know why I’m acting like this is a thing. But I’m honestly choking up now. And that’s embarrassing. Being real is so foreign that we don’t even realize how rarely we do it.

What if I decide that what I think I have to say is worth saying? Isn’t that arrogant?

What if I encourage people to be honest and real and they can’t handle it? What if my words lead to someone else’s pain? Then aren’t I responsible?

I’m trying to build a business and if I make a fool of myself in this blog, will I still be able to provide for my family? Why take that risk?

 

I took note really early on in the show, that while we so quickly may think the teens should have communicated more, look at the adults. Lawsuits, businesses, jobs at stake and rules quickly exerted just the same amount of barriers to communication for the adults as it did the teens who worry about reputation, consequences and future.

I liked what one of the producers in the show said during the follow up. It was something along the lines of, “It takes an immense amount of self-determination and strength to stand up and act in that 15 seconds where it really counts.” (That’s not a direct quote. I don’t feel like stopping to research it. Let’s muddle forth!)

And that’s one of the key things to take away from this show. It is so easy to judge where other people fail, but all it takes is a moment of fear to keep us from acting before it is too late. And aren’t we all guilty of that? Haven’t we all killed Hannah Baker?

Ok, sorry, corny again. But it is an excellent phrase to capture the fact that we are all guilty, all capable and all responsible for a life full of moments where we failed to connect, communicate and help people.

And the alternative is to do something. To muddle on. To get messy, make mistakes and do better. You have probably heard it said that you don’t have to have it all figured out, but did you assume the person saying that DID have it figured out? I bet you did. But the reality is, anyone who says that is equally trying to help you have the courage to keep going just as much as they are reminding themselves.

There I go getting choked up again. Oh well.

So, if you want to be the hero of the story, you have to realize that you have to do something in that 15 second window. You won’t have a warning. It will be scary and uncomfortable.

Just. Do. Something.

And, you won’t. Sorry. You won’t. You’re going to fail. Oh well. Or maybe you did something, but it was wrong. Oh. Freaking. Well.

And keep trying. Dangit! Tears again.

Yeah, you may have noticed I don’t cuss. I have my own reasons. Let’s not judge each other.

And you take a deep breath and keep going. It is ok.

Just like when Tony and Clay climbed the hill. Tony explained, “You wouldn’t have died. You might have broken a lot of bones, but you wouldn’t have died.” (Again, imperfect quote). Now, I dunno. He might have died if he had fallen wrong. 

Anyway, that’s what you have to do. Take risks. Muddle through.

*****

I got interrupted writing at this point and did not get back to finishing for a week. And all week I wondered if I should post this. The fact that I admitted getting choked up when trying to be motivational is so embarrassing. 

I remember a Sunday School teacher who was telling us how much he cared about us and getting teary eyed. We were all uncomfortable and thought something was wrong with him. I think that memory simultaneously scares me about showing emotion and modeled for me that it can be done. So, now 25 years later, I’m doing the same thing.

Here’s what you have to remember when you take emotional risks, or any risks in life.

If you do anything that matters, then someone will be upset. The only way to never upset anyone is to never do anything worthwhile.

So even if you are afraid, take a chance to express yourself with trusted friends and family.

Some may criticize 13 Reasons Why, because it may prompt some to suicide. You will hear about this when it happens. But, you will probably not hear about the countless lives saved and people who treated each other better because of it.

The alternative is to be afraid to talk about suicide. To be afraid of speaking up. To be afraid of connecting with people. If you play it safe and fly under the radar, you may never feel the pain of mistakes, but you’ll be guaranteeing that you will miss out on unknown opportunities for helping, connecting, growing and saving lives.

Fear and inaction killed Hannah Baker as much as any other reason.

So, I’m going to take a chance and post this.

 

Lock and Key Dating

Posted on by Corbin Humble

Dating is rough for a lot of people. I am no exception. There is so much stress, drama and awkwardness. And a lot of that stress we bring on ourselves due to our own expectations, values and assumptions. One of those assumptions that complicates dating is based on an otherwise very useful rational thought:

“If something is not working, then you need to change what you are doing.”

Trial and error for short. If we want something to work, then we keep trying until we make it work. This results in persistence, problem solving, adaptability and a whole host of useful character traits. It is the way we should approach most problems in our lives. However, I find that this attitude is often a cause of problems when it comes to dating and relationships.

Now, please bear in mind that like most pieces of wisdom, this one is not a 100% rule, but just a part of the puzzle to keep in mind. Of course relationships take work, persistence and adaptability. However, my point here is that people get so focused on making relationships work they sometimes forget to ask if they should be making it work. A sign of healthy relationships is that they make you a better person. But if you have to change or hide fundamental aspects of who you are, then maybe you are not in the right relationship.

Let me just go ahead and share my experience. I was a nerdy teen in the 90’s before sci-fi and video games were as mainstream as they are now. Back then, “nerd” and “geek” used to be far more of an insult than a description of your taste in media. I was also distinctly under the impression that most girls did not like those things at all. It doesn’t matter if that belief was right or wrong, it still limited me. And so I thought, if I want to find a girlfriend, then I need to hide those things about me to improve my chances of finding a girl. Sure, writing about those assumptions and conclusions now sounds ridiculous, but it seemed so rational at the time. I wanted to broaden my appeal to have better odds at success, so I hid what I thought was undesirable. I think that is a common attitude.

And then one day, I went on a trip to California and spent a few days with my female, adult cousin and her family. While I was there, they showed me their board game closet. I perused their sci-fi movies and heard stories about their weekly Dungeons and Dragons games with friends. This was the first time I realized that there were girls out there who not only put up with those hobbies, but loved them just as much as guys did. And that completely changed the way I thought about dating.

Before, I had thought that finding a girlfriend was like most problems in the world. Make changes to increase your chance of success. But now I realized that dating was like a lock and a key. If the key does not fit in the lock, it does not mean there is something wrong with the key and you need to change the key. That key just does not fit with that lock. I did not need to change myself to fit with what I assumed most girls wanted, I needed to unabashedly put myself out there, making clear what I liked and what I valued. Even if it turns off 99% of the people, it will attract the 1% that I fit with best. This was not an odds game, this was a matching game.

In fact, there more clear you are about who you are, the faster and easier the process will be. We mistake rejection in relationships to mean that something is wrong with us, when in reality it is just the process of elimination to find the right fit. Again, to clarify, if you are cruel, paranoid, have trust issues or other baggage, we all need to continually work on self-improvement. But if you are worried that your desire for a serious relationship, your religion, your politics, your values or your interests will turn people off, then realize, it only turns off the people who are not right for you.

At the end of the day, what almost everyone truly is looking for is a relationship with someone who knows the real you, intimately, good and bad, and loves you anyway. You won’t find that by changing who you are.

Frustration and Control

Posted on by Corbin Humble

Frustration is an all too familiar feeling. We all know it well. We know what situations cause it, we understand why others are frustrated and we recognize the signs of frustration in ourselves and others.

However, when asked, many people struggle to define frustration. And I think defining frustration is a big part of resolving frustration. Here is my definition:

Frustration is when we cannot accomplish our goal, because of something beyond our control.

And what do people do when frustrated? They usually just try harder. And that is not necessarily a bad character trait. Sometimes things feel outside of our control, when really we just need to keep working at it, be patient or find other solutions. However, when there really are things outside of our control, fighting harder just increases the frustration and problems. The most common thing outside your control is people. If people want to be stubborn, which they often are, there is not much you can do.

Actually, that is not exactly true. There is a lot you can do to try to control people. The problem is that most of those things do more damage in the long run. If someone is calling you names and you can’t say anything to get them to stop, you could smash their head in with a brick. That would stop the insults, but I’m pretty sure there a lot of other awful consequences headed your way. Violence, threats, insults, nagging, bribery, screaming, guilt trips, abuse and emotional manipulation are just a few of the ways people try to control each other, and they are also the reasons for many of the problems in this world.

When you try to control things you shouldn’t, you usually make things worse. It would seem like the only alternative is to give up completely and stop caring, which is usually an equally unacceptable option.

But consider the definition of frustration again:

Frustration is when we cannot accomplish our GOAL, because of something beyond our CONTROL.

Instead of trying harder and harder to control things, you could instead reevaluate your goal. If your goal is reliant on external factors, that is probably your first mistake. If you change your goal to focus on your part of a situation, then there is nothing to be frustrated about beyond your own control. For instance:

  • Instead of, “I can’t get them to listen to me,” your goal simply needs to be “I want to express myself clearly and lovingly, and then the decision is up to them.”
  • Unhealthy relationships ask, “How do I keep them happy (so they do not leave me)?” while a healthier relationship would think “What is the most loving thing to do for them, even if they may not like it?”
  • You can fret indefinitely about, “How do I get people to stop hurting me?” or you can start solving the problem by asking, “How do I stop letting people hurt me?”

There is a reason the Serenity Prayer is so immensely popular. It really does grant very real peace in life when you learn what you can or can’t control (or perhaps more accurately, should or shouldn’t control).

 

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.”

– Reinhold Niebuhr

 

All of this leads to one of the great secrets of content and peaceful people. There is a mindset shift where you can stop worrying about how to control all the circumstances to get the outcomes you want, and instead be satisfied with the decisions you make. Of course, there is a lot more to say on the subject of decisions and morality. But doesn’t it seem like the common dilemma, “How do I get the results I want?” is a much more complicated and stressful endeavor than simply asking, “What is the right thing to do?”

Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if you weren’t responsible for what everyone else is doing and only had to worry about what you need to be doing? 

Well, are you responsible for the things you can’t control?

If you aren’t responsible for what you can’t control, then do you really HAVE to worry about it?

Of course, learning to stop worrying is a whole other challenge in itself. But first you have to know that you are free to stop.

 

Never Go to Bed Angry

Posted on by Corbin Humble

“Never go to bed angry,” is one of the most common pieces of advice given to newlyweds. If you ask people you know or search the web, you’ll find plenty of comments, opinions and research to either back up or contradict this age old advice.

For what it is worth, I think the fundamental principle of the cliche is true. But like most any piece of wisdom, you have to avoid taking it to extremes and there may be other factors to consider, which is the basis of the arguments criticizing this time honored saying saying.

I think that this sage advice dates back thousands of years to the scripture:

” ‘In your anger do not sin’ : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,” – Ephesians 4:26 NIV

And since this wisdom has been around for thousands of years, all I intend to do here is add my 2 cents for why it matters.

I came to understand it during my bachelor days.

My roommate, other friends and myself were playing poker in our apartment. I’m known to be overly competitive at times and my friends decided to play a little prank on me. Throughout the night, they would frequently cheat and give the winning cards to one of the other players. The player they gave the winning cards to was the person who cared the least about winning, did not take the game seriously and often had haphazard strategy. My friends knew that one of my pet peeves was losing to someone I thought played poorly. I’m not proud of this trait and try to work on it, but it is an important fact of the story.

As the night went on, I got more and more frustrated when I lost repeatedly to this player. The odds of him having the cards he did as often as he did were mind boggling. I have pretty honest friends, so I would never expect them to cheat to win, but I guess cheating to irritate me was a different matter, which is why I was slow to consider the possibility. At some point I crossed into being legitimately mad, but they continued the prank.

When they all finally had a good laugh at my expense, I was not in a good place. “How could they keep provoking me when they knew I was so upset,” I thought to myself. I don’t recall how the night ended or what happened next, but I do know that I called it a night and went to bed before any apologies or reparations could be made. I went to bed angry.

And what happens next may be familiar to you, even if you didn’t recognize what was happening. What started out as anger at a problem situation, “How could they keep provoking me when they knew I was so upset,” evolved over time as I stewed about the night. After a while, my thoughts became, “How could they be so insensitive,” to “How could they be so cruel,” to “they are such cruel, thoughtless jerks.” You see, when we dwell on a hurt without addressing the person, the problem situation eventually becomes a problem person. We attribute what happened to a flaw in the character of those who hurt us. Now that character flaw is our problem.

And it is so much harder to resolve a problem with someone when you believe the problem is their character. And when the problem is their character, the possibility of change or resolution is so much more hopeless and frustrating. Which conversation will be more productive?

 “I was hurt when you knowingly pushed my buttons,” or “I need to talk to you about how manipulative and inconsiderate you are.”

Regardless of whether you deal with a problem today or tomorrow, I think one of the key things to remember is to stay focused on the situation and not allow your anger to fester and taint your whole perception of a person. It is always easier to deal with a situational problem than a character problem. People will be far more defensive, the scope of resolution gets overwhelming, and you will have much more difficulty dealing with facts when you try to take on something as arbitrary as a character defect.

And while we are on the topic of attributions of character, here is another valuable tip. It has been observed that when we have bad behavior, we tend to blame our circumstances:

  • “I didn’t get enough sleep and was irritable”
  • “I’m under a lot of stress right now”
  • “If you only knew what my childhood was like”
  • “It was just a miscommunication”

But when other people have bad behavior, we attribute it to their character:

  • “What a selfish jerk”
  • “They are just lazy”
  • “She’s such a B—-“
  • “Don’t be an idiot”

We excuse our bad behavior with understanding and context, but we simply chalk up other people’s bad behavior to innate character flaws. I believe we do this because we love ourselves (let’s not get into the whole other subject of people who do not love themselves). Because we love ourselves, we want to think better of ourselves, so we try to understand our behavior in context. We are more than a simple label. We have good days and bad days and we don’t want all our good points and accomplishments to be cancelled out by a mistake. We don’t do this for other people, because doing all that thinking to understand someone takes a lot of mental energy, and if we’re honest, we don’t love other people enough to put in the effort to understand them.

What if one of the main lessons of the golden rule is to love others as ourselves, which means to cut other people the same amount of slack we do for ourselves. It is a lot harder to be angry when you try to consider someone as a complicated human being who is struggling to do their best, rather than just a villain.

So, if you go to bed angry, you run the risk of turning someone you care about into a villain…and that kind of makes you sound like the bad guy now, doesn’t it?

 

Humor

Posted on by Corbin Humble

Humor is one of those things like music or nature that has an inexplicable, yet very real effect on our well being. I tried to find the source of the quote, “laughter is the best medicine,” but it seems to predate people taking credit for things. It is a piece of wisdom that may even predate language….and now I’m just imagining caveman humor.

And of course it is important in the counseling process. It is a little delicate, because no one wants to be laughed at when they share intimate details of their lives, but at just the right time, it can be enormously helpful to have a good laugh when you’re hurting. Sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from crying, and sometimes you have to laugh at yourself so you don’t take yourself too seriously.

Several clients have told me that they were glad I had a good sense of humor because they can’t connect with people who don’t “get” them.

I think trying to describe a sense of humor is a pretty ambiguous and difficult task, so I won’t try too hard. Just know that I don’t take myself too seriously, I don’t take your problems lightly and I don’t mind a little dark humor.

Oh, and here is a joke that I made up while I was on hold with an insurance company for 2 hours:

How many customer service representatives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one…

“Your lightbulb is very important to us and will be screwed in by the next available representative.”

 

Lastly, here is one of my favorite comic strips about mental health professionals:

Words vs Consequences – The Two Bosses Analogy

Posted on by Corbin Humble

Allow me to share some of the parenting observations I have accumulated over the past decade. 

Parents are usually concerned primarily with their children’s obedience and respect.

How do I get them to behave?

Why don’t they respect me?

These are two of the most common and central issues I see parents trying to manage. And from this point, a very common relationship dynamic occurs. Parents tend to use their words to manage behavior and their consequences to build respect. Perhaps this cycle seems familiar…

Ask the child to do something. Tell the child to do something. Ask them why they didn’t do it. Yell. Complain. Argue. Nag. Threaten. Beg. Guilt trip. Etc. Then, after there is so many hurt feelings and regrets for hurtful things said, you feel guilty and let them off easy, mend fences with a treat or don’t even follow through with a consequence.

“What can I say or do to get through that thick skull of theirs and make them listen?” “Why do I have to yell at them before they will obey?”

Wouldn’t it be great if there was some magic phrase to get the light bulb to turn on and your child to respond, “Oh! You’re right mom. You’re just trying to do what is best for me. I’m sorry I didn’t get it and you really do love me. I’ll cooperate and everything will be easier from now on.” If only.

Ideally, it should be as simple as telling them something and them obeying. In a well running relationship, that is how most things work. But when it doesn’t work that way, we think we need to step it up and figure out the magic words to get cooperation. And when you try harder and harder to use your words to get obedience, you tend to do more and more damage in the process. It is like trying to get a seed to grow by digging it up and squeezing it. Sure, you might get a reaction, but that is not going to thrive.

And then, when you try to repair the relationship or make sure the child still likes you, you decide to give them things, not to punish them or to cut that 2 week grounding back to 2 days. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I don’t want us to fight. Let’s go to the mall and look at that new Iphone you wanted.” I see a lot of parents that really struggle to apply consequences when they feel guilty.

So, that is the common dynamic. Use words to try to manage behavior and consequences to manage relationship/respect. But consider what that would look like if you had boss that did that…

Imagine a bad boss who comes in and just complains about all the things that aren’t done right. “Why is this so sloppy?” “You need an attitude adjustment.” “You guys need to work harder.” “What’s your problem?”

People tend to protect their ego from criticism by discrediting the source of the criticism.

That means, if someone is yelling at you, there is a part of you trying to knock them down a few pegs so their criticism doesn’t hurt as much. You may be thinking about that nagging boss, “Well, you’re never here. You don’t know how hard we work. I’ve seen all the stuff you do wrong. How dare you criticize me.” So, when people use their words excessively to control behavior, it tends to breed disrespect and hurts relationships.

Now, if that same bad boss never actually punishes anyone or enforces rules, but rather tries to enact casual Fridays and bring treats to make the employees like them, does that actually work? No. You just learn the boss won’t really do anything and you simply take advantage of their gifts without developing any respect.

Now, let’s flip the script. Imagine a good boss who uses their words to build relationships and consequences to deal with behavior.

This boss comes in and encourages you and points out what you do right. “Hey, I noticed how you put up with that angry customer with grace and tact.” “I know I can always count on you.” “You have such a great attitude, we’re lucky to have you.” If a boss was sincerely encouraging and really appreciated you, would you be more willing to go the extra mile when they said, “Hey, can you come in on Saturday? I know it’s no fun, but I need someone I can trust to do this for me.”

And if that same boss had to address a problem and said, “I do need to mention the issue of getting to work late. That’s your responsibility and if you are signed up to open, we will have to start docking your pay for being late.” If you were late again and got your pay docked, would you really be that mad at the boss? No, they told you what would happen and they followed through. Now that you know they are serious, maybe you’ll try harder next time. 

Which boss would would you respect more? Which boss would you cooperate with more?

Let me tell you that after visiting with easily over 100 kids in my experience, they almost never complain about punishments. Usually they know what they did. What kids say over and over again is, “Why do they have to yell at me?” Truth is, any open mindedness to change usually shuts off when the volume starts to go up. The yelling, the lectures, the nagging and the criticism usually do not convey any new information to the child, but it does affect them. They hate it. Sometimes they try to act like it doesn’t bother them, but it does. And if we’re being honest, this is why parents use it…because it gets a reaction. Punishments often seem ineffective, but you can find a hot button topic to get a reaction. And this feels like an accomplishment. But it is not accomplishing what you want. Sure, they might obey just to shut you up, but that wins the battle and loses the war.

Do you want to get them to pick up the socks off the floor today even if it means they don’t tell you about their depression tomorrow?

What did you win if they turned down the music only to stew on how you don’t care that they had a horrible day and needed something to cope?

And if your make them so miserable that they make good decisions while you are around, will they still do those things when they are on their own?

 

I used the seed analogy earlier. Using words to control behavior is like squeezing a seed. It gets an immediate reaction that does not thrive. Consequences on the other hand are like pouring the water on a seed that is buried. Just because it doesn’t seem to make a difference now does not mean that it is not working. Create an environment that encourages growth. Create consequences that make good decisions the better option and give your child time to figure that out. 

How many times have you made the same bad decision over and over and dealt with the consequences before you finally decided it was not worth it and made a change? I think most people who consider that question honestly will realize that sometimes it takes many times before we learn our lesson, but when we do, it is real change. That has to be the attitude with consequences. Don’t expect immediate results, just create situations that make good decisions worthwhile and give the child time to accept that change. You don’t have to win today.

So, which kind of parent do you want to be?